Tuesday, August 14, 2012


I'm not really a movie person, but after finishing all 5 seasons of Mad Men, my brain has needed a constant fix of entertainment so I've watched about a million movies to keep myself occupied. Most recently, I've seen "American History X," "10 Things I Hate About You," and "The Italian Job." It kind of bothers me that I need to immerse myself in fantasy like this, like I don't have a "real" life or something.

I've been stressed out by a couple of major things these days, but mostly I'm annoyed with myself. I wish I was more of a go-getter and I could just plunge into whatever I felt like. Worry about the consequences later. But I'm cautious to a fault, and I know someday I'm going to regret being this way.

On the other hand, I know that the moment I move out of my house, I'm going to completely let loose. Like those extremely sheltered girls who go off to an out-of-state college and black out every other night... except I don't have college as an excuse. I feel like I've stifled so many emotions these past couple months during the summer that as soon as I am truly free, I won't be able to stop myself.

I've literally been Googling things like: "am I spoiled?" "am I narcissistic?" "do I have anger problems?"

I feel like who I am right now is not who I really am. Everything annoys and frustrates me. I feel angry and short-tempered all the time. If a few years ago I was deeply depressed... it's like I have displaced all of that into rage and constant annoyance. But that still trickles down into the final emotion of guilt, which in turn, lends itself into depression and anxiety again. This is not who I am.

This is probably why I am currently so turned off by spanking and BDSM in general these days. I don't feel like submitting to anyone. If anyone wanted to dominate over me, it would take pure physical aggression, not words. Right now, I hear everything as people talking at me, scolding me, nagging me. I don't want to hear it, I really don't. All I want to do is rebel, but I don't have the energy to deal with my parents. All I want to do is do some criminal things, but I resist because someday I'll probably have to get security clearance for my job. All I want to do is get away from myself.


  1. Living with parents as an adult is hard. I remember lots of tension, lots of feeling like I should be independent but I still had to live up to my parents' expectations. I'm glad to be free of that now. But until you move out, try to find some healthy ways to relieve your stress, like hiking, exercise, meditation, drinking good tea, or singing your heart out at karaoke. I know it sounds corny, but we all need to find healthy ways to manage our emotions. And don't feel guilty for feeling angry. Have some compassion for yourself. Growing up isn't easy, even for people with perfect families. And it sounds like your family isn't perfect, no offense. So try to imagine you're looking at yourself from a bird's-eye-view, or imagine yourself as the little child you once were. These are ways to get some perspective, to get outside of the hurt and frustration. Once you get that perspective you may feel more compassion for yourself and also have a feeling of spaciousness rather than of being trapped.

    1. Thank you, that is such great advice. I feel like a hypocrite because I tell my friends the same thing all the time, but I don't actually do it for myself... it's nice to hear it from someone else though :)

  2. You really need a strong DOM to put you in place. Let's talk about this more by email, you should write more often